


They'll Never Take Us Alive

by thetransgirlwhoneverwas



Series: Fictober 2019 [5]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-12-01 21:51:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetransgirlwhoneverwas/pseuds/thetransgirlwhoneverwas
Summary: Neither Liv nor Helen ever felt like they belonged, until they met the Doctor. Until they came into the TARDIS. Until they found each other.





	They'll Never Take Us Alive

Liv eventually found Helen in the TARDIS library, sat in a comfortable looking chair in the corner and holding a book she was clearly not reading. She turned to leave; whatever Helen was thinking about, she clearly didn’t want to be disturbed.

“Hello Liv.”

Liv turned back. Apparently she had been wrong.

“Evening Helen.”

“Is it evening? Does it matter?” Helen laughed once, a sound that seemed to drain any cheer from the room. “Do I care?”

Liv breathed in, held it for a second, and breathed out slowly. She knew where this was going, and it was not a conversation she thought she’d be any good at. She wasn’t good with her own emotions, much less anyone else’s. Almost as if years of subjugation under the Daleks taught you to suppress things, she thought to herself, then rolled her eyes. Even in her own thoughts to herself she couldn’t confront how she actually felt. She had to hide behind sarcasm.

“I think it’s evening,” Liv replied finally, instantly regretting it.

“Hmm,” Helen responded and went back to pretending to read her book.

Liv stood in front of her like an uncomfortable subject at a family dinner for much longer than she intended before turning around to leave. She was almost through the door before she stopped herself and decided no, Helen was her friend, and she desperately needed to keep that, so she was going to find out what was wrong and what was causing it. Hopefully whatever was causing it was something she could punch, because punching it would be a lot easier than actually confronting feelings.

Liv sat down beside Helen, trying desperately to appear casual and not like she was an unwelcome ghost loitering in Helen’s space. “Helen, what’s wrong?”

Helen didn’t even look up. “If there’s a wrong way to take this, don’t, but you are honestly the last person to talk to about this.”

Liv had to force herself not to take this as an excuse to bail on the difficult conversation and leave. “Sorry,” she said. “I know I’m not easy to talk to.”

“It isn’t that,” Helen replied. “It’s that...no, no, I shouldn’t, I’m sorry.” She stopped and covered her eyes with her hand, book falling to the floor, forgotten.

Liv examined the book. Do No Harm by Henry Marsh. She’d read it a long time ago, when she first went into medicine. It was a good book. It was also completely irrelevant, Liv decided, as she dragged her gaze away from it and back to Helen. “You shouldn’t what?”

Helen took a while to respond. She wasn’t crying, but Liv could tell she wanted to. She breathed deeply, in and out slowly, and Liv tried to match her breathing, calm herself down too. Despite herself, she found herself wanting to reach out and hold Helen close, but she couldn’t. Not now. Not when she’d done something to upset her and she didn’t even know what.

Helen took one final deep breath, looked straight at Liv and admitted bluntly “Liv, I’m a lesbian.”

“Okay,” Liv replied, unsure as to why this was something that required admitting. Then she remembered where and when Helen was from, and silently berated herself for being unsupportive.

To her surprise however, Helen smiled, and it seemed at least a little genuine. “Since I was a girl, I knew. But I knew that nobody would ever…I could never be me. And if I ever was, if I ever dared try, I could...I would...”

She took another deep breath, and Liv understood enough not to interrupt her. She needed to say this. “And then I met you. And the Doctor. And you took me away from my blind little world where I could never belong and now we’re exploring the stars.”

“There hasn’t been that much exploring yet,” Liv interjected.

“Granted, it’s mostly been just trying to avoid being killed by the Eleven,” Helen admitted. “But he’s taking us on holiday, so.”

Helen stopped, and Liv rued interrupting in the first place.

“And I thought...” Helen continued eventually, “well, I thought that I’d found somewhere I belonged. Some…”

She looked directly at Liv. “Someone I belonged with.”

And suddenly Liv understood.

“But you don’t,” Helen looked away again, unable to keep her gaze. “You don’t. And that’s fine, really, it is, there’s no reason you should, and I really shouldn’t take any of this out on you, and I’m sorry. But I...I just need to...to let it die.”

“Don’t,” Liv replied instinctively, surprising even herself, and clearly surprising Helen, who looked at her again. “Don’t let that die.”

“It’s only going to hurt more the longer it keeps dragging itself on, Liv,” Helen didn’t even look at Liv.

“Not if it doesn’t have to,” Liv replied, her voice as soft and tender as her voice would go. “Not if you had someone to help with the pain.”

“W-what do you mean?” Helen asked, voice quivering slightly. Not in sadness or instability, but seemingly in hope.

It was Liv’s turn to take a deep breath. “I spent a long time under the Daleks’ rule. It wasn’t easy. It was tough. And it turned people tough. It taught people to grit their teeth and keep going as long as they could until they got a chance to fight back, and that’s what I do. It taught me to hide. Not let myself - my real self - be seen.”

She moved closer to Helen. Helen didn’t move, but she didn’t object.

“But just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”

Helen did look at her now. Right at her. Right into her eyes. Liv hadn’t admitted until now how beautiful Helen’s eyes really were.

“I’m not...good with expressing...anything, really,” Liv apologised, “and that’s on me. But for what it’s worth...I feel the same. I always have.”

Helen smiled, and her beautiful eyes became stars illuminating the entire library.

“Come here,” Liv moved in to embrace Helen, but she pulled away.

“No,” she replied, steel in her voice. “No. I want you, I do, I really do. But I don’t want you to protect me. I won’t cower. I’m sick of being afraid.”

“You don’t have to be,” Liv pleaded. “I won’t ever hurt you. You don’t have to be afraid. But you don’t have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to hide.”

Liv moved to hold Helen again, and this time Helen didn’t move away, but matched her. They embraced, and looked deep into each other’s eyes, lost in the depth of each other’s history, slowly moving closer until their lips me. They kissed softly, with warmth, and then that warmth turned to passion as they fell back into Helen’s chair. Eventually they parted, both needing air, and they laughed together.

Liv sighed, not regretful, but belonging. “I’m not used to this. My people thought I betrayed them.”

Helen nestled closer, her arm resting around Liv. “My whole existence was illegal back home.”

“We’ll be partners in crime, then.”

Helen smiled again, and it filled the room with cheer. “They’ll never take us alive.”


End file.
